The Culinary Arts
by Capelthwaite
Summary: The Modern Kitchen:a foreign place to a shinigami like Rukia. But she's hungry and opted to cook. The problem is she's impared when it comes to the culinary arts. Read to find out what chaos insues when you combine Rukia and a kitchen with no supervision.


**Author's Note: This is the product of pure and utter boredom. It is rather random and my only explanation is that I was bored out of my mind and didn't want to do my homework. Reviews would be awesome but if not I'll still love you for reading my story. Enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: Of all the things that I possess, Bleach is not one of them.**

Rukia stared at the ceiling. It was black and therefore not very interesting. Aside from the ceiling, there were the other four walls to look at. The closet being pitch black did not allow its occupants to see very well and in turn left them highly bored. Rukia, to say the least, was bored out of her mind.

It was the crack of dawn and the other residents of the Kurosaki house were cleverly fast asleep. Normally, Rukia would add to the unconscious group but this morning she woke up abnormally early and was unable to return to her slumberous state. This annoyed her. She had been unsuccessful at amusing herself until Ichigo woke up. The size of her closet did not permit a large amount of entertainment and it was too dark to read or draw. She was becoming agitated. Her eyebrows scrunched together in irritation before sitting up, pulling the pillow over her face, and screaming on the top of her lungs.

Finally venting some of her anger, she silently slid open the door to her 'room'. Her eyes scanned the room to find Ichigo's sleeping form. The sun still kissed the horizon, brightening the morning sky and painting it with warm colours. She smiled at the sight. It was peaceful, a rarity she had discovered during her years as a shinigami.

She heard a squeak. The floorboards creaked at an unknown weight. All of a sudden, something lunged at her. She stretched her had out in defence out of instinct as a soft object collided with her hand.

"Oneesan…" the voice complained. She dropped the stuffed lion to the floor as she rose out of her closet. Her arms rose above her head in a stretch and gave a yawn as if she just woke up.

"I'm hungry," she said in no one in particular. She looked down at Kon and asked, "Can you cook?"

He gave her a look as if she asked the most outrageous question possible.

"Right, of course not. You're impaired when it comes to the culinary arts," Rukia reminded herself. She ignored Kon's insulted gasp. She walked over to the sleeping Ichigo and whispered, "Hey. Wake up. Ichigo."

Her attempts at waking him up were futile so she opted for another tactic. She grabbed hold of Ichigo's right ear and tugged. A normal person would have awakened in pain but Ichigo was dead to the world. She pulled harder. Her arm rose so high that Ichigo's head was a foot off his pillow before she let go in defeat.

She let out a sigh. Picking up Kon, she silently stocked out of the room. The pair made their way down the stairs and arrived at the Kurosaki kitchen. The area looked foreign, the appliances alien. They looked from the stove and oven to the microwave, the refrigerator and the toaster. Rukia dropped Kon and walked to the fridge as she remembered Yuzu doing so.

Kon decided that he should be a gentleman and ran towards the fridge to open it for her. He jumped and latched onto the handle as he tried to swing it open. Being no larger than the handle, his attempts were fruitless. Rukia gave an exasperated sigh and pulled on Kon's tail to open the machine's door. A wave of cold air washed over their faces. Inside were a variety of objects: jars, boxes, tubs, cone shaped things, round objects, and etc. The problem was neither of the two knew which were edible and how do open some. Rukia stared at them in masked confusion. Kon jumped off the handle and into the fridge searching through its contents.

"Hey! Look. Eggs! I know how to make those!" His excited furry face shouted. Rukia, deciding that she was no good as a cook, took them out for Kon and placed them on the counter. She stared at them, waiting for instructions.

"Crack them into a bowl."

Obediently, Rukia took out one of the white eggs into her hands and squished it. It cracked in her fist. The yolk bled from the holes in her hands and leaked into the glass bowl. Kon sweat dropped before re-instructing Rukia to repeat the process.

"Use both hands."

Rukia had the egg with both of her hands.

"Make a crack in the middle using the edge of the bowl."

She thumped the fragile shell onto the bowl.

"Separate the two halves and let the egg stuff drop into the bowl."

She did as instructed. The egg smoothly went into the bowl. Kon dropped from where he was watching to look into the bowl. He stared at the egg before looking at Rukia.

"You got egg shell in it…"

"Whatever. I'll live. Now what?"

Kon jumped from the counter and dived into a cupboard. It was a moment before he resurfaced with a small metal beater. She took it from his paw.

"Now beat it!"

She raised a brow in his direction.

"I meant beat the eggs. Mix it like you've never done before!"

She stared incredulously at his insane behaviour. But she was hungry and inexperienced in the kitchen. Kon, however, had spent countless hours (willingly or not is unknown) watching Yuzu cook for the family. She did as she was told put the beater into the egg and began to mix.

"Faster! FASTER! Make that egg beg for mercy!"

She willed herself to mix faster. With Kon's ongoing coaching, the white and yellow mix began to blend and become one colour. But its level was beginning to rise much like a whirlpool as she vigorously spun the beater. It wasn't long before the mix spluttered out of control and out of the bowl like a fountain, adding colour too her face, her pyjamas, and her surroundings.

"Well that went well…' Rukia observed. She set aside the bowl of eggs or what's left of it. She walked back to the fridge and opened the door. Peering into it, she found a large tub. She took it out.

Pointing at it, Rukia asked, "What's this?"

"Ooo, that's pancake batter. Let's make some!" he responded enthusiastically.

He instructed her to take out a pan from under the sink and put it on the stove. He helped her turn the dial to the correct temperature. Rukia poured some batter into the pan and turned it so it slid around the pan before settling it down.

"Okay, now flip it."

She looked uncertainly at the pan before lifting it in hopes of the fried batter to jump off the pan. It stuck to the metal like glue. She tried again but to no avail.

"It's not flipping…" she whispered in complaint.

Kon stroked his chin, "Yuzu usually puts that oily stuff first…"

She glared at him. Frustrated, she tried again with more force. The pancake came off the pan to her delight and watched it as it soared upwards. She blinked. Against the laws of gravity, it refused to come down. She looked at Kon.

"Oneesan…what are you thinking— Oh my god, NOoo!" his yell continued as he soared towards the ceiling and stuck to the pancake.

"Pick it off for me please," she gave an angelic smile before turning around and continuing with her search for food. She silently decided that food from the fridge was too complicated to cook and turned to another in wall storage cupboard.

"Ah…ramen. I wouldn't mind that for breakfast…' she thought as she took it out from the cupboard. She turned it over, reading the instructions, 'That's not so hard.'

She heard a squeak of protest from above but ignored it. She took a pot out from underneath the sink. With a step to the stove, she slipped on the egg and lost her footing. She nearly fell if not for her grabbing hold of the oven handles to steady herself. However, she let go of the pot.

_CLANK_

The sound rang in her ears. It was interesting, much like the music that she had heard Ichigo play. She grabbed a pair of chopsticks and knelt to whack the pot again.

_CLANK CLANK_

'Hmm…' she grabbed a few other pans and pots and set them in front of herself. She separated the two chopsticks so she had one in each hand. She whacked a couple of them like drums.

_Boom Clank Clank Boom_

Her eyebrows rose at her new discovery.

_Boom Clank Clank Boom Clank Clank Boom_

She smiled.

_Boom Tshee_

_Pfoo Pfoo Ca-tshee Boom Boom Tshee_

_Boom Ca-tshe Boom Boom Ca-tshe_

She began to hit them harder as she got a rhythm going.

_Boom Clank Boom Boom Ca-tshee GROWL_

That was not the sound of a pot _or_ pan.

_GROWL_

Rukia looked down at her gargling stomach. She rested a hand on her grumbling belly as an attempt to sooth its complaints of hunger. She stood and turned to look at the clock. It was ten to seven. Ichigo would wake up in about ten minutes.

Deciding on filling both of their empty stomachs, she lifted a huge pot from her instrumental collection. She turned on the stove to its maximum. She poured batter into the pot and turned away from it as it sizzled. As an afterthought, she added all the oil that she could find in hopes of the mix not sticking to the base of the pot.

She raided the fridge, throwing everything her arms could reach into the pot. Carrots, tomatoes, celery, broccoli, corn, some powdery stuff, and a bunch of other ingredients were added to her soon-to-be masterpiece in a pot. She mixed them frantically to meet the deadline that was seven o' clock. She added a bunch of unknown spices and sauces, pouring them as if they were merely water.

Looking around, she found a huge white sack in one of the open cupboards. She picked it up with little difficulty, balancing it in her small arms. She grabbed two sides of the material of the sack and pulled with all her might. She stressed for a moment before the material gave out. Flour exploded, painting the walls in white. It looked as if the kitchen had been hit with a blizzard. She licked her lips, tasting the bitter flour. She shrugged and smiled while she added handfuls of flour into her mix.

She grinned as she looked down at her concoction. It was an unhealthy green colour and bubbling as if it was in a witch's cauldron. She covered it, completely satisfied with herself. She watched the metal coil turn red as it rose in heat. She let it sizzle.

She turned around and got a broomstick from the closet just outside of the kitchen. She returned to the room and lifted the end of the broom to try to peel off the yellow stuffed animal from the ceiling. She prodded at him as if to mock him for his unhelpful advice.

A gurgling sound from behind her caused her to jump in surprise. It was coming from her 'masterpiece'. She dropped the broom and looked towards the pot. It was threatening to explode. Green goo leaked from the lid of the pot and sizzled when it touched the stove.

Soon leaking stopped; the lid was stuck to the pot. The pressure was building up inside as the lid began to bend to keep it in. Predicting what would happen, Rukia decided to flee from the kitchen but not before grabbing her intended breakfast. She took a box of cereal from the shelf and ran back up the stairs.

Ichigo had already awoken. She sneaked past the washroom that he was currently in as he brushed his teeth. She snuck back into their room and into her closet quietly awaiting the explosion that was yet to come.

* * *

He gargled the water before spitting it out into the sink. Kurosaki Ichigo had woken up rather grumpy. He rubbed his ear once more, soothing the source of pain. He had exterminated a hollow the night before but they never touched his _ear._

He chose to ignore it and walked out of the washroom.

'What is that smell…?' He thought as he walked out the room. He made his way downstairs, both hungry and curious as to the source of the odour.

It was quiet, too quiet. Nothing was out of the ordinary as he walked around the ground floor. He checked the living room. Not one cushion was out of place. He moved to the dinning area. The chairs were proper and clean. He felt he was getting closer to the source of the stench. Led by his nose, he ended up in the kitchen.

"Holy CRA—" he said as he walked into the flour covered kitchen. His string of profanities was cut off as he slipped on fallen egg yolk. Ichigo slid from one side of the kitchen to the other like a water slide until he crashed into the cupboards.

KABOOM

The impact had its consequences. The lid of Rukia's breakfast popped off and its contents exploded. Green goop flew in every direction, mixing with the flour, becoming a disgusting combination as it dripped down the wall. There were chunks of soggy vegetables mixed with the 'food' imitating the look of vomit. In short, it was disgusting. _And_ it completely covered Ichigo from head to toe.

As a cherry on top, a soggy Kon dropped onto Ichigo's face.

* * *

Rukia sat in her closet munching on her cereal, anticipated the explosion. With every passing second, she waited, trying to pretend that she was completely innocent and had been in her closet all morning. But somehow, she knew that she was forgetting something…

KON! She forgot him downstairs. He was the only one who witnessed her attempt at cooking and her inability to do so. He was the only one who could—no, would tell Ichigo. She mentally yelled 'please don't tell, please don't tell, if you tell I'll fry you're fluffy ass…'

KABOOM

Rukia almost jumped at the anticipated explosion as she continued to pray that Kon wouldn't tell…

"RUKIA!!" Ichigo's yell rang through the Kurosaki house. Upstairs, Rukia winced at his sharp tone. His anger was like a chain reaction. Her eyes narrowed into a vengeful expression.

"You're dead, you little snitch."

**A/N: Now there is a button on the bottom left corner on the screen. If you liked this story or hated it, click the review button and leave a message. If you could point out spelling or grammar errors, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.**

**-Capelthwaite**


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